


Perfect

by Iliketowrite_2



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: Anorexia, Bingeing, ED - Freeform, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorders, Fanfiction, Other, Purging, fan fic, tw, vomitting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-10 02:10:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16461461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iliketowrite_2/pseuds/Iliketowrite_2
Summary: You’ve been hiding something important from your dad, Sam, but are you really hiding it as well as you thought?





	Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed the warnings <3  
> Everyone experiences eating disorders differently. There are many different types of eating disorders, and not everyone goes through the same things. This is simply from my experience (Minus the bootiful Sam, obviously,). Please reach out if you’re concerned about yourself or someone else <3

94.3 lbs

I screw my eyes shut tightly as I breathe deeply into my hands. It’s okay, It’s okay, It’s okay, It’s okay, It’s okay. It’ll be okay. How about we just skip dinner tonight? Yeah, okay, lets do that. I shouldn’t have eaten that peice of pie yesterday. This is all my fault.

Seriously, how hard is it? All you have to do, is not eat. You literally don’t have to do anything. You were doing so damn well too! How could you screw yourself over like this? You knew you couldn’t eat that.  
Why did you eat that?

I step off the scales and my eyes glance up to the full body mirror in front of me. Fucking disgusting. I pinch the pudge on my stomach and forcefully hold back a gag. How could I let myself get this… Fat.

You couldn’t recognise the girl standing in front of you. Dark eyes, sunken cheeks, hair falling out in clumbs- britle and thin. No less than four months ago you were a perfectly healthy and happy girl.

Well, almost happy.

Growing up in the life isn’t easy, but you sure as hell had it easier then your dad and uncle had had it. You have somewhere to live- the bunker- your home, food and money were never a problem. You went to school, sometimes, but you usually decided to do most of your work at home.

To the schools knowledge, your dad worked for the FBI, which would occasionally interfere with school; so you were also kinda home schooled.   
Whenever your dad and uncle were on a hunt, school was out of the question, so you were left alone to worry yourself sick, praying and hoping they’d come back to you. You wish you could go with them, hunt. It’s all you want to do. 

It’s hard to recognise myself most days. I know i’m not anything like i used to be, and it scares me. I remember the person i used to be, and i miss her more than anything; but i could never be her again. I hate her. She was never going to be good enough.

She wasn’t strong, she couldn’t go an hour before wanting to stuff her face with another chocolate bar or a pastry. She wasn’t beautiful, she was pudgy. What, she excercised once? twice a week? And don’t even get me started on dicipline. She couldn’t even stick to a diet for a day. She was weak. Nothing compared to who you are now.

You’re stronger, no, maybe not physically, but you have the strongest will you’ve ever had. Minutes, hours, days on end you can go without a single peice of food passing your lips.

Your body is shrinking day by day, each morning the number on the scale getting lower, and the appreciation for your small and dainty frame getting higher.  
You were the definition of dicipline. 

Go over your calorie count? Fast, starve, work it off.  
Binge unexpectedly? Get your ass to the bathroom and get it out.  
Didn’t meet your weight goal for the week? No food this week. You’re hungry? Too bad. You should’ve thought about that before you decided to not work hard enough. 

This is good. You would finally love yourself.   
But only if you met your goal.  
…Honestly? You were miserable. But you were also the proudest you’ve ever been.

The knock on the door startles you and you jump, sucking in a breath to stiffle a yelp as you accidentally slammed into the corner of the sink. 

“Hey Y/n/n, uncle Dean’s made dinner.”

“Uhh.. what is it?” You press,

“He made your favourite, Lasagne.” You could hear the smile in your dads voice. He was obviously excited, he knew how much you love lasagne. Loved. Past tense. Now? It made your stomach sink and you immediately feel nauseous. How many calories are in lasagne.. 500? 600?

“Um, okay. I’m not feeling too good right now dad..” You pick up the robe off the floor and cover yourself. It’s so cold in here.

“Are you alright? Do you need anything? What’s wrong?” Of course. You have to lie to the sweetest, most loving dad you could ever have. This is for the greater good, you think to yourself. 

“I’m okay. Just got… cramps.” Cramps? That’s the best you could come up with? God damn it Y/n!

“Oh.. alright then. How about you come down to the kitchen anyways and see what you can get down? You haven’t had anything to day.” You can’t hear any accusations in his tone, but something about what he says makes you defensive.

“Yeah, thats because i haven’t felt well!” …Stupid. 

He’s silent for a couple of seconds before he answers.  
“Well… Dean and I will be waiting for you in the kitchen okay?” Ugh! Stupid dad and his stupid caring nature.

“Whatever..” You mumble in reply. He’s not letting this go. He’s gonna make you eat, and he’s gonna be suspicious if you don’t.

You can hear his footsteps as he walks away, and you can feel yourself panicing. 

What if you have to eat? What if they figure it out? What if you can’t come up with another excuse? What if you can’t get away? What if what if whatifwhatifwhatifwha-

Dude, breathe, calm the fuck down. Worst case scenario, you’ll have to make a trip to the bathroom after dinner. No big deal. You got this, don’t fuck it up.  
You had never liked purging. You actually hated it. It was painful, and the definition of disgusting, but desperate times call for desperate mesures. And purging was a desperate measure that needed to be taken when you break the rules.

After getting dressed into a thick sweater, sweatpants, and the thickest socks you could find, you make your way down to hell. Sorry, the kitchen.

“Hey kiddo!” Your uncle Dean bellows, “Bout’ time you got here, the foods getting cold. Sammy here wouldn’t let us start without ya’." 

You eyed your father, who seemed to be taking in your every move. Weird..

Dean had already started digging into his food by the time you’d gotten yourself a drink and sat down. You looked over to your dad, expecting to see the same thing from him, but he hadn’t even moved. He was waiting for you.

You slowly picked up your fork and glanced back up to your dad, who was still watching you. You tried to swallow past the lump in your throat, which was painfully dry. You pushed the food on the end of your fork back and forth, back and forth. You felt like puking just by looking at it, imagining it in you. 

You shudder as you cut off the smallest peice you could manage without it looking suspicious. Your eyes flicked up quickly to Sam, who was watching you out of the corner of his eyes. You avoided his tense gaze as you forced the food into your mouth, chewing as slow as you could, as if it would prevent the inevitable.

As you swallow, you try not to grimace. How successful you were, you don’t know, but the second you swallowed your dad seemed satisfied enough and dug into his own plate full of food.

You eventually ate half of the plate before you felt like your stomach was about to burst open.

"Not hungry Y/n/n?” Dean interrogated, his mouth filled with half chewed pie. 

Ugh.

“I don’t feel well.” You sighed out, resting your head in your arms.

Sam furrows his brows, “You’re not looking too great bub.. You really not feeling good?” Your dad asks, concerned. He thought you didn’t want to eat for… a different reason.. Maybe he was just being paranoid.

“I think I’m just going to go to bed now..” You stood from the table “Thanks for dinner Uncle De.”

“Yeah, no problem kid. Feel better, okay?” Nodding, you turn back and face your dad.

“Night dad.”

“Goodnight sweetheart. Come get me if you need anything.” I smile at him as i turn back around, heading to my room. 

The longer i wait to get it out of me, the more calories i absorb.. but I have to wait until they’ve gone to bed, I can’t risk them hearing me now, and i couldn’t cover it up with a shower. I’ve already had one tonight. Just a few more hours, and you can finally get rid of the food that feels like it’s physically weighing you down.  
______________________________________________________________

 

Almost three whole hours pass before you find yourself in the bathroom. Sam had gone to his room earlier than Dean, but he followed not soon after. You breifly heard him muttering something about getting his 4 hour ‘beauty sleep’.  
You waited an hour after they both went to bed, knowing that for the first while, they were only lightly sleeping. Usually they were out like a light by now, so you feel pretty safe.

Holding your toothbrush by the bristles, you release a deep breath. You always hated this part. You shut your eyes tightly before you forced the toothbrush to the back of your throat and pushed at your gag reflex. 

You fought the urge to rip the toothbrush out of your mouth. Not yet.  
You persisted and pushed the toothbrush further, feeling the loud gag turn into a gurgle before you feel the acidic vomit making its way up your throat, and emptying the comtents of your stomach into the white porcelain toilet beneath you.

Coughing, trying to remove the foul bitterness from your throat, you place the back of the toothbrush into your mouth; just one more time. You rub the back of your throat, gagging loudly and spitting up some bile into the toilet. 

You almost choked on your own vomit as you heard your dad’s voice coming from the other side of the door.

“Y/n you okay?” You chuck the toothbrush into the sink as you see the doorhandle twist and push open. Your dads tired face peeked through. The bags under his eyes looked darker then usual.. you hadn’t noticed 'till now.

You try to stop yourself from vomiting again, but the spasming in your stomach from pushing and prodding at your gag reflex, so you continue violently heaving into the bowl. Your dad pulls your hair behind your head into a messy attempt at a pony tail.

“I’m fine dad. Please leave me alone.” Just breathe through the nausea.  
Sam sighs as he sits next to you cross legged. You flush the toilet, closing the lid to the toilet and glancing over to your dad. He smiles sadly at you and gingerly takes your cold hand into his. 

“I’m worried about you sweetheart.” You’re silent in shock for a second before you come to your own defense.

“What do you mean? I’ve been feeling sick all day, i told you before i was-”

“I know. I know sweetheart.” He paused before continuing, “You think i don’t notice you. What you’re doing. I can see it Y/n. I can see what you’re doing baby, and you’re scaring the crap outta me.”

The guilt inside you was ripping you to shreads. You never thought he’d know. Why did you have to fuck this up?

“I wanted to wait for you to come to me, but… I- I can’t watch you do this anymore. I can see you struggling Y/n, and it’s tearing me to bits. I’ve been worried sick, praying you’d come to me, hell, even your uncle Dean, but i can see you changing, shrinking into nothing, Y/n. 

Now, I don’t know what started this or why, but this needs to stop. I can’t imagine how scary this is for you, and i can’t imagine how much pain you’re in right now. But I promise you, we can help you. I’ll do whatever you need me to do, but this isn’t an option anymore. Why would you do this to yourself baby? Why? Just… why?" 

"I just want to feel okay daddy.” You burst into tears as you blubber on, “I’m so sorry daddy. I was just- I didn’t- I didn’t have anything. I- Everything was out of my control and i felt like i was falling apart so I needed something to help me hold on, and I can do it! If i can be perfect i’ll be okay. I didn’t want to hurt you, I just wanted to be okay!" 

What have you done? He’s gonna take away the only control you’ve ever had! You’re gonna be disgusting again! Do you want to be a whale Y/n? Why the fuck are you letting him take this from you!

"Y/n/n, That little voice in your head? It’s lying to you. I’m here. Dean is here. You’re here. We’re gonna fix this together, alright? I promise you sweetheart, there is nothing more important to me than you. This is gonna be hard, and most of the time? You’re going to want to give up; but when you feel like coming back to this, you get me and Dean and we can help you through. We’re gonna help you fight this, and we’re gonna kick it in the ass.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think!  
> What would you like to read next?  
> Requests?  
> What was your favourite part?  
> More feedback=more writing!


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